Translation of Common Terms
Found in Haynes Manuals
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: This is a
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.
Haynes: This is a
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described
in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and
rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you
can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage For whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the
engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away
plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!